I am functioning, yes. But everytime I laugh to jokes my friends make, I can somehow feel like it's not real. Is it normal though, in those moments of laughter, to separate yourself from yourself, to look at yourself distinctly from a distance, saying silently, this is not pure happiness, but you must try, hence you must continue laughing even when you don't really feel all that outburst of "happiness". Sounds a bit manic, isn't it?
I still can't sleep at night. It's been years. Every once in a while I get so burnt out, I ended up sleeping for the whole day, couldn't even leave my room to actually function as a proper human being. It's a little maddening, that cycle. No sleep for months, then fall dead on your weight for one whole day, and repeat. I do not know how to explain this to others, especially my colleagues. Being a working woman with this stupid sleeping cycle is rather inconvenient, to say the least.
Somehow I keep thinking that this body is only an empty shell.
And why do I feel so tired most of the time?
Maybe I should express myself more. Maybe I should cry more and scream more and be angry more. But that's even more tiring than keeping things to yourself. Why? Because once you realise that after all that crying and screaming and anger, no one really gives a fuck about it. So why bother?
Maybe I am being overly critical or defensive, but to go to a doctor or a specialist or a psych, whoever it may be, won't be of any help. It's not like I haven't tried. But to feel like your issues are invalidated by these professionals, it's just so.. taxing. So fuck it.
I wish I could tell everyone that hey, my brain is killing me, please help me. They'll probably think I'm exaggerating. Even I think I'm exaggerating things.
This is too tiring. I'll stop here.
